Feelings and My Mirror Image

Recently I had lunch with a group of friends - my running buddies.We were saying goodbye to our friend who was moving away in a few days - such is the military life!  One of my friends brought out a picture of us to look at. The picture was taken earlier in the year, probably February, after one of our "long" runs.  She wanted to show it to me because of how different I looked then compared to now.

Now I'd already seen the pic, she had texted it to me. And it had been on Facebook after that run so it was saved forever in the "Photos of You" tab on FB.  So it wasn't new to me.  I actually thought it was a good picture of me and still do.  It was somewhere in the middle of my weight loss. I had a dress on that was probably not the most flattering, but cute!  So I guess I didn't understand why this was a valid before pic. 

April 2015

But what was new to me was the feelings I had about the picture being show at the table. I was mortified.  Honestly, I wouldn't even look at the picture because I was so embarrassed.  If you know me, you know I do NOT like having attention drawn towards me. I've always been like that.  Today was no exception.

I felt my face get hot as I tried to laugh it off, but I was going through emotions left and right that shocked me.  Why was I going through all of these feelings over a picture?? 

Now, the reason my friend showed the picture was not to embarass me or anything like that.  It was because she was proud of me, she was impressed by my hard work and dedication.  She thought I was awesome! 

But I didn't feel any of those things when I saw the picture.  That's because it was me that went through the all the changing. Beginning to end, I lived it. But sometimes I still see that girl in the mirror, so I almost took it too personal. I focused on the wrong part of the conversation and missed the praise that I was getting for working my butt off this year.

So i wonder, is this normal after losing a significant amount of weight?  I don't know. I've never been in this space before. My head hasn't quite caught up with what people see when they look at me.   Or what I see when I look at myself. But it will eventually. I hope!  This is a pic my son took of me today.

The Little Engine That Could - Part 1

I'm back on the blog!  It's been awhile. I know I don't really have an audience, but I need the therapy that writing gives me, so I've decided to TRY to get back to blogging regularly. I feel like I lived a whole new life this year and I haven't documented any of it!!  Boo me.

2014 was a rough year. Friendships were lost. My husband was gone most of the year.  I was in a FUNK. Totally funkdafied. My health suffered because I was suffering.   I can see it now, looking back on it with a fresh pair of eyes. I was lost, I was sinking into a depression. I'm pretty lucky that my true friends stuck it out with me!

What happens when I become depressed? I stop caring. I start forgetting what the things I love to do are and lack consistency in everything.  It really is a slippery slope. Complacency, it's real. Now, I didn't completely drop everything. Was I in the worst shape of my life?  Nope.  I still was exercising - was I pushing myself? No. Would I rather go out for coffee than workout?  Heck yeah.  I wasn't really focused on my food intake. Clothes started getting tighter. Excuses were being made.  I blamed my thyroid.  I was sure there was a medical reason!

Got my blood work back. Thyroid - healthy!  A1C - above normal.  Pre-diabetic range. Say what???

A1C?  I'd never even heard of it. Well, it measures your blood sugar over a period of 2-3 months.  And my A1C was elevated.

Military doctor's advice?  Diet and exercise.  That was it. I actually didn't even get an appointment to talk face-to-face.  Military medicine at it's finest!  They put in a referral for a nutritionist.  Yeah, that nutritionist works on another base 90 miles away and only comes to the area once every 3 months.  What a joke.

What did happen?  Well, I thought about it. I really thought about my life. And how important it was.  I thought about my husband.  My three kids.  I had to make a choice - keep going on as I was, floating along. Maybe I would get diabetes. A preventable disease.  Some people might choose to go that route.

I didn't make that choice. I chose ME. 

More in part 2 later!! :D